Redefining the meaning of Christmas

Tinsel: it’s not shiny tat – it’s a technological solution, say global consultants redefining the language of Christmas.

A top-level consortium of consultants from global engineering solutions providers has drawn up a new set of product definition standards which look set to replace the non-specific colloquial language which has been widely employed during the festive season.

The moves are aimed to add billions of pounds of value to everyday activities by ‘leveraging the technical and systems content that these activities embrace’ the consortium claimed.

Following a summit hosted by Arctic-based festive gift distribution and logistics giant SantaClaus, a series of resolutions have been passed relating to specifications and operational parameters of a wide range of goods and services.

The first major grouping concerns the product group formerly known as Christmas decorations.

‘We believe there are a lot of words in use out there that just do not come anywhere near explaining the complexity of what they are trying to describe,’ said Chris Maas, the secretive leader of the consortium who prefers his forename to be known simply as ‘X’.

Accordingly, ‘tinsel’ is now an obsolete term: ‘What we have here,’ said Mr Maas, ‘is an end-to-end light reflective multi-strand foil-based décor solution. It’s not just shiny tat. It’s a technological solution. This is an important distinction.’

The traditional ‘Christmas tree’ term has also been dropped, as it fails to do justice to the technology implicit in the concept, the consortium has ruled. It becomes instead a vertical multi-platform novelty suspension solution.

In what amounts to the broadest re-classification of the product space to take place for decades, some of the devices used in the run-up to Christmas have also come under scrutiny. The WindowsTM-based lapsed-time indicator panel (either with image enhancement or nourishment-based incentives) will replace the traditional advent calendar.

Party activity terms have also been revised. Hence the arrival of the self-coiling air-driven extendable tickler with integrated audible warning signal. And the pyrotechnic paper-coil launcher with ripcord activation system, which used to be described as a party popper.

‘Forget simple everyday terms. This is about value-added descriptives which will create a multi-billion pound global industry,’ said Mr Maas. ‘Using these terms should enable us to enhance our margins on all these services and solutions.’

A further group of new definitions has also been drawn up other lifestyle activities over the festive season. Snowmen will become a new range of in-situ, ultra-low temperature, water-based 3D human simulation systems. Carol singers will be replaced by mobile multi-voice point-of-entry audible greetings teams.

Meanwhile, the terminology linked with the traditional Christmas lunch has also been revised. The end-to-end pyrotechnic novelty delivery system is the new Christmas cracker, which is likely to contain lightweight non-woven cranial protection – a development of the old ‘paper hat’ concept.

After lunch, and the dual-stage nourishment delivery solution of Christmas Pudding and Brandy Butter, families can settle down for the post nutritional download screensaver mode, which used to be the afternoon nap, hopefully avoiding any nutrition-based involuntary gaseous overpressure events, or relationship management disconnects.

‘It is important to get this new terminology into the hearts and minds of everyone, even the kids,’ said Mr Maas.

‘So forget Santa on his sleigh. Get them to make pictures of a special purpose cervine-guided levitating gift delivery vehicle system.’

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